the heat is on! OR jynx is a minx

eeeegads, i was dreading this day (or this week, or this month).  knew it was going to happen sooner or later.  wished it didn't have to happen at all.   but we managed to miss our golden window of an opportunity at the vet since we simply didn't know how old jynx was.

now we know.
 
she's old enough.

and she wasn't the one who first told us.  nope.  her countless amount of suitors started singing for her last week.  and if they weren't crooning outside in the bushes, then they were knocking at the doors.  literally.  we've had dozens of visitors just sitting outside the various doors. 

waiting patiently.  patiently waiting.

and don't think our little mynx hasn't tried to escape her prison of love.  she tries to make a break for it every time a door opens.  and believe you me, she is aware of EACH AND EVERY opening door.  varkenkidlets are not always as conscientious as they should be.  they LIKE the idea of a dozen mini-meeeows pattering around the house for a few weeks.

i, however, am not as enthusiastic. 

twice, tho, i've caught her on the OTHER side of the window.  don't know how she dunn it.  but i shudder to think of how much those few precious moments of freedom will cost ME.

even leo, our shanghai castrata, has found himself caught up in all the excitement.  i find this a bit confusing, since we took away his manhood well before he grew up enough to begin to appreciate any of it. 

a new bratislavan xmas eve

scene set:  slovakia.  outer bratislava.  cold, but not too cold.  and not snowy.

 xmas eve. 

the varkenfambly decided to stray from the traditional polish fest which i've been doing since i moved out on mine own (7 courses of white.  fishhead soup, opletki, rice pudding, sauerkraut&yellow peas...) well, you get the drift.  i LOVE making it.  even though most of us dislike EATING it, it's one of those traditions that the family (as young as they are, insist upon).  note to mom - i bought some pre-made sauerkraut (a specialty here) AND whole yellow peas.  and i'm gonna make it sometime this holiday season for MYSELF (and, since it's no longer xmas eve, i may even add a little bacon fat)!

anywayze, we decided, since this doesn't seem to be the place for "orphan parties" like we are so used to, to join up w/ the embassy folks (the american embassy this year) to volunteer in/at slovakia's largest homeless shelter (located in outer bratislava).  it's near the airport, FAR, far away from civilisation - the building was deeded from the mayor a few years ago.  i dunno what it once WAS, but it had the feeling of an old airplane hanger - unheated and low-lit as well.

these were some of the 200 or so recipients:

we served soup (sausage and sauerkraut-type goulash) with bread, then fried carpfish and cold potato salad.  followed by donated baked goods (gawd, they looked AMAZING) and tepid tea and coffee.

it was COOOOOLD in there.  and everyone was bundled up.  but the mood was, um, while actually not quite festive, it did seem rather serene. 

on most nights, the shelter charges 50 euro cent to enter and sleep. on xmas eve, a full dinner (served by others- us) was free, as well as the night and breakfast the next morn.  as we drove in (guided by a caravan of cars of volunteers) we were amazed at the line of people walking beside us, along the dark, unlit side roads.  i am amazed we actually found the place at all.  and amazed that so many find the place night after night after night so far away from the center of the city...

first, we were given a "tour" of sorts of the place.  those w/ a alcohol breathalizer content of more than .30 (POINT THREE OH - NOT POINT OH THREE) are immediately put into a separate room from the main populace.  (on a sad note, as we were leaving there was a straggler that hadn't quite made it to the shelter, but our friends managed to move him from the center of the road where he was lying and he was eventually transported in - my guess is directly to the "special" room)

we saw a few other sleeping rooms as well - large room for "married" couples, a room for just the men, and a separate building (where the teeny tiny kitchen lay - the size of an american pantry of sorts) which also  provide housing for the "orphans" as they labeled it.  we didn't see any children on our night - we were told that a competing(!) church had opened its doors and most of the children were probably there.

this was not like any shelter i've seen in america.  and i'm actually at a loss for words to describe our experience accurately.  and we did not take many pictures, just because we didn't feel we should.  but i reallly wanted to type a few things, just for posterity's sake.  i'm quite proud of my varkenchildren, and of the others that decided to give up their warm homes and festive christmas eve celebrations to spend a few hours doing what they could to help.

the kidlets were all put to work immediately, putting together "gift bags" consisting of socks, gloves, deodorant, toothpaste... - bags for MEN and bags for WOMEN.  all tied up in the pretty little blue garbage bags they're holding.  they spent much of their time downstairs in a nice heated room working like busy elves, and then they carried them all upstairs and sorted them out under the tree (yes, there was one).  the woman in charge of the gift bags was quite amazed at how quickly they were able to complete the work, as it normally takes her 5+ hours to do it on her own.  as it was, they were finished w/in an hour.

a few hours later, they were able to distribute all these gifts personally to all the people that were gathered for dinner.  i think it made quite an impression.

xmas eve dinner was a proper "sit down" meal.  meaning all the folks having dinner were served at table.  our line of volunteers were a continual serving machine - moving from row to row after row of tables, making sure that NO ONE was left out. 

most of the embassy folk already have some slovak language skills - they generally get a year's notice (and a year's worth of language lessons prior to their posts), and surprisingly, most of our guests also had some english skills - enough for the thank you's and merry xmas greetings.  surprising, since we were under the impression that most people over the age of 30 only had german as a second language. (as an aside, most of the slovak guests weren't too fond of my german conversational skills)  and our varkenfambly felt rather out of sorts, since we had very little to offer other than the smiles on our faces in lieu of proper christmas greetings.  and the quickly learned words of "are you finished?"  and "can i take that?"

next year we'll have more words.

here are the two girls (varkendaughter and varkenfriend) huddling up by a warm soup pot before serving.  they did a fantastic job of helping out and we are so very proud of them.  not one of them complained about the cold (or the, um, odors). 

although i think they may have snuck a cookie or two...  all are looking forward to a next year's new tradition - at least while we are still in country.

my camel does not spit...

i know i know, it really doesn't have much to do w/ today's topic, but varkenhusband took such a great picture (or dozen) of the camels, i felt i HAD to include this one. and what better title than the send up to one of the greatest punchlines...



THAT... is not my camel
(but it IS a great picture, eh?)

soooo, anywayze, we went to Schloss hof recently. it's prince eugene's old house. you remember prince eugene, right?

yah. me neither. but if you REALLy wanna know more, you can go here: Schlosshof you can click on the little english button on the side (unless you'd prefer german - since it is austria, n'all)

pretty grounds. and they had a christmas market all set up. lots and lots of schlock, like all of them.

and joseph and mary.

like all of them.

'cept they abandonded poor jesus for a while. just left him there. freezing in all his plasticity.

at least the sheep were keeping a close eye...

of course, they could have been watching joseph and mary on their smoke break, too...

strega nona brings a note

unbleebable. the notes just keep coming.  but this one was from the snaggle toothed strega nona herself (she lives in the shack behind my haus - REALLY.. a shack. behind my haus.).  knocked on my window this afternoon.  made me come out to the patio area. 

and then started a stream of conciousness that she expected me to understand. 

pointed at the broom and the shovel and the sunroom and the plants and the plant pots and and and...

and just. kept. talking...

and i didn't understand a single word of it. well, i caught jeden (meaning 1) and dakujem (which is thank you).  but that's it.  i interrupted several times asking if she could speak ANY german.  and she smiled and said yes.  in slovak.  and continued her diatribe. in slovak.  cuz, of course, i ain't got any of THAT yet.  but maybe, just maybe, if she kept talking enough, i WOULD.



and when i got this?  i saw the landlady's name (sort of) on it.  i mean, it was SORT of her name.  and a jumble of other CURSIVE words that i just couldn't make out.

but it seemed SO IMPORTANT.  i was to call the landlady IMMEDIATELY.  (in sign language - we all know the international sign for telephone, right?)

which i didn't.  instead, i gave the note to the varkenhusband to bring to his bidness dinner this evenink (where he dressed in all his shiny suit finery) to ask some one for a quickie translate.

i got a call not 10 minuettes ago. 

landlady's gots mail at strega nona's house.

and all i gots was tasked to bring in the pots and plants before the snow flies (it's still rainy season here).

what's with the notes?  do they all know i can read now? 

wonder what i will be brought next?  certainly doesn't seem to be any welcome wagon gift boxes forthcoming...

neighborly neighbors

well, i guess this seyz it all. for the first time since we move here, the doorbell rings. it's been 2 months in this house. 2 months. and, a new doorbell (cuz the old one never worked). not like anyone's been trying to ring it...

but alas! it rings last night. and we think someone is finally coming to say hi and welcome to the neighborhood.

ummmm, turns out?

not so much.

clearly, it's google translate. and it's in 18pt font - just in case we wouldn't be able to read it.

what's a hanging sound device you ask? well, they would be the calming japanese windchimes that we've had for at least 15yrs. 15 yrs in evey place we've lived (but for the hotels). and nary a complaint.

i rather prefer their sound to the constant barking dogs and feral cat fights (even on the NONwindy nights). but, to each his own, right?

not sure what i'm gonna do yet.

sigh....

the motherload

yep. i found it. the key ingredient to any american thanksgiving dinner worth its salt.

and i didn't even have to bribe any bidness travelers to smuggle it in for me this year. found it in the terno - my local walking-to grocery store. of all places! and we're in the armpit of bratislava here. there's not a lot of import schtuffy stuff (even the heinz ketchup tastes different).

our first thanksgiving in shanghai i bribed a local expat-restaurant owner who boasted he was serving a traditional thanksgiving w/ cranberry sauce to sell me some. i drove (well, i was DRIVEN) all over the city before i found him and his "cranberries" 3 kilos of 'em. MOUNTAIN BERRIES. better known as LINGONBERRIES. i was SOOOO disappointed. but i bought them anywayze. and i used them.  better baby berries than nothing at all (plus, they made for a very nice martini base later)!

but these little jewels are the real deal...

boy, they're pretty, ainna hey?

i blew up the label. (we actually DO live in bratislava!!!)  see?  and these little babies came all the way from the you ess ayyyyeeee!!!  how did they DO that??? 

and now for your first slovak word:  cranberries here are BRUSNICE - say that 5 times fast...

anyone want to venture a guess as to how many USD this costed me? c'mon. think just a little. what would YOU pay? k, so figure a loss leader at mebbe a buck a bag, right? think 5 TIMES that much for me.  yep.  five dollah.  EACH.  and these little babies are worth every penny.

and 7 bags is all they had. must've had a box somewhere. but i gots'em. 

mineminemineminemine...

"Recalculating"

oh how i loathe to hear her voice.  yet she speaks to me so often

"Recalculating.  Recalculating.  RECALCULATING"

and in that ever so clipped british look-down-'er-nose sort of way.  yet she's always pleasant.  it's only me that dislikes her.  the children LIVE to hear her pipe up oh-so-very often.  and she doesn't disappoint.

i want to fire her, that GARMIN tart.  she's not doing her job well.  i don't even think she knows where she is half the time.

often, when i peek, we are driving thru fields where roads have atually been for 10 yrs or so (*I* am driving on a road - SHE is not).  or she'll direct me to turn into a farmer's old tractor run for a few km, just so i can eventually make my way back to her's again.

i've only JUST been driving in bratislava.  managed to avoid it for the (almost) 3 months we've been here (and, of course the 2 yrs before that!!).  but now that the varkenhusband is back in china for a bit, i'm forced to drive.  especially to all those dang birthday parties and play dates.  you know - the ones where they just provide a street address and expect you to KNOW how to get there?   

after this last one, i'm not sure i actually WANT to get back in the car with her anymore.  i know that this child lived further out of the city than we do.  in a nuther small town.  much like ours.  but SHE told me i needed to go back into the city.  i didn't listen.  i drove to stupava, the little town further OUT of the city.  and drove around.  i couldn't listen to her anymore.  but i couldn't shut her off.  she was driving me mad.

finally, i called the mum of this girl.  she gave me a different street to plug in to the tart. 

great!  should be there in a few minuettes, i say.  and hang up.

30 minutes later, i am helplessly, hopelessly lost.  SHE has no idea where we are.  and neither do i.

so, another phone call and 3 minutes after that, the mum drives me the LESS THAN ONE KM to their haus.  now i just had to be able to find my way back.  in the dark. 

this time i turned her off.  and i found my way.  ALONE.  in the dark.  and a thick, dense fog.

and all was quiet...

who needs that garmin tartlette, anywayze?

stoopid crazy slovak rule #347

ONE BIN OF GARBAGE PER WEEK FOR PICKUP.

and these aren't your normal america-type garbage bins.  nope.  they're narrower, see?  and better enforced, so the rats don't gnaw through them.

like the night shot?  thought i'd mix it up a bit.  actually, i took this pic at or about 4pm-ish here, but lest we forget, we are in central europe and it's only been 20 yrs since the fall of communism.  still takes a toll on those daylight hours, dontchaknow...

last week, when i had a plethora of extra moving related detritus to be whisked away, we set it out NEXT to the trash bin.  bin was already half full of leaves.  (we don't put leaves in the bin.  but my snaggle-toothed strega nona next door neighbor does).  IN OUR BIN.  actually, they're OUR LEAVES, too.  but i have no idea what posesses her to wander around our garden picking up leaves and dumping them in our bin.  we have enough leaves for 30 trashbins at the moment (and that's only for what is on the ground).  if she's gonna start picking up my leaves, she may as well pick 'em all up. 

needless to say, NOTHING that we had placed NEXT to the bin was removed last week.  including the excess kitchen trash.  granted, we may have had a little more than our share of ikea cardboard last week, but landlady said just put it all out and they'll take it. 

or not. 

so i lugged it all back in.  save for the kitchen trash, which i put in the bin for THIS week (so i'm already behind)...

today, i meet up w/ the garbage guys (as an aside, they back their GARBAGE-TRUCK sized GARBAGE TRUCK all the way up to the top of our hill on our VERY narrow street and then make their way back down).  so i'm given ample notice cuz i can hear 'em coming (forwards and backwards).  so, w/ 3 EXTRA trash bags in hand that didn't fit in the bin, i make my way out to the truck.  i arrive just as they are hooking up my bin to the back to dump in. 

"zlaty blaty blah blah blah"

huh?  um, i just want to throw these extra bags in the back, ok?

"zlaty blaty blah blah blah.  NO."

ahhhh, that i heard clearly.

no?

NO.

but i'll even throw them in the back for you - i knows alls abouts those tricky EU labor laws.  you don't have to lift a finger.

NO. NO. NO.

and then he chucks the garbage bin back to the gate, hops on the truck and rides another 20 meters, forgetting all about me and my trash bags, while he begins the process all over again. 

no wonder they need the rat man 'round here.  my garage is starting to fill up w/ all this un-disposable trash!

so, that's ONE thing i miss about china.  TWICE DAILY garbage pickup.  on a tricycle, no less.

sigh....

how to jury-rig your kitchen

you use alot of these:

truly, when we agreed to install the much negotiated for new IKEA kitchen appliances, we had no idea what we would be uncovering. after all, my office (where i sit and type this all out) was also going to be a kitchen, until she changed her mind halfway thru the project (which is why i have a bare wire sticking out of the wall near my monitor - or the capped off water pipes from the shared bathroom wall).

and the landlady? stuck us w/ the IKEA delivery bill. wtf? i dunno how she managed it, cuz *I'VE* never been able to walk outta there w/out all my ducks being paid for!

but that's neither here nor there. we just didn't expect to see wall plugs or multiple extension cords connecting everything together. i guess we should have expected nothing less than the cobbled together mess that we did.

but the filth.

oh. my. gawd.

we had to scrape it off of the counter here with a knife, it was so grimy and gooey and gross.

no wonder the rat man came by last week. yech.

i guess i should be grateful. i have a new (if but still INCREDIBLY small) kitchen. and since we discovered all the grime, we had the opportunity to CLEAN it. (see?  there's my silver lining!!)

varkendaughter wants to bake, now that we have a proper oven (jury-rigged as it is).

so we're makin' cookies!  and then we're going to eat them on the floor, cuz it's clean enough now.

100 euros worth of GREEN wood

so, i've heard we're living inna "lowcost-country" (actually, i hear it over and over and over again, but i really don't believe it...)

well, here's what 105euros bought us (delivered) today:

not much, izzit? it's SPOSED to be a cubic meter. but it doesn't look like it. but that's all the wood man could scrape together. when i put it thru my handy dandy conversion dealiebop, it tells me that a cubic meter is .27 cords. which makes more sense to me.

so, if my calculations are correct, i'm paying 388.88euros per CORD of GREENWOOD. and at today's exchange rate, that runs me approximately

583 US DOLLARS per CORD of GREENWOOD.

seems like such a small price to pay for such a LOWCOST COUNTRY, don't it???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but all is not lost - see that little pile on the right front row? nope. not that one - the one further to the right. yah. THAT one...

THAT's the dry seasoned wood we received. APPARENTLY, if we wanted to purchase seasoned wood, we would have had to place our order IN THE SPRING. cuz there is no dry wood left in the greater bratislava (lower carpathian) area. of course, we certainly would have thought about that had we KNOWN WE WERE MOVING HERE more than two months in advance.

anywazye, we stacked it all (the whooooooole lot of it) in front of the teeny tiny radiator n the garage (where the OTHER car that we can't afford to buy in this LOWCOST COUNTRY would normally be parked). and we hope that, w/ its help, inna month or so the greenwood would be (oh, that's funny) dried to a point that we can burn it w/out causing a complete smokehaus effect.

in which case, i'm just gonna buy me a side o' beef and and mebbe make some sausages and hang it all by the fireplace so i get SOME value out of it.